SECOND PART of how to deal with a complaint:
Yesterday I explained why and how a complaint actually has nothing to do with you. It is therefore limited how much you can change the client’s view, and opinion about you.
But YOU can control what you think and feel about it and change YOUR experience!
Here’s how to get through it in a way it’ll pass quicker and you might learn from it :
1.Let yourself feel all the anger, anxiety, frustration, disappointment, betrayal, shame and sadness.
You might not even be able to put a name on it, but you can feel where it is in your body. Is it in your chest? Stomach? Throat? Is it tight or palpating?
Breathe into it and recognize it’s normal to feel like this when you’re “under attack”.
Nothing has gone wrong – you’re having a normal, human response to an uncomfortable situation.
2. Provide your nervous system with safety before you deal with anything.
Often we want to take action straight away and defend ourselves/attack back. PAUSE, and acknowledge you’re not feeling yourself right now.
DON’T buffer by eating/drinking/going on social.
Walk in nature.
Sit quietly with your feet planted firmly on the floor, put your hands on your chest and belly and whisper “I am safe. I am safe”. Hug yourself.
Speak to someone you trust, maybe a loved one, and let them comfort you. Don’t be afraid to ask for support. This is not the moment to play hero – zero reason for not accepting any help and support you can get.
3. Then journal your version of the events. Explain your reasons to act how you did, and recognize you probably couldn’t have done anything different with the information you had THEN. This is for yourself so you can stop the brain spin, not to share with anyone else (unless you want to and find it useful.
Let yourself go to the worst case scenario: “I’ll get expelled from the college, I’ll get fired, I’ll have to pay a huge amount of money, everyone will hate me, I’ll end up living on the streets”.
Notice that no matter how bad the worst case scenario can be: You can totally deal with it. You will be ok.
But it’s important that you pull every thought out in the open, so they’re not allowed to hide and fester – facing them straight on will take a LOT of air out of the sails.
4. Ask your insurer or network for legal support. Don’t try to deal with it on your own: it’s scary, it’s overwhelming and that’s why we have people to help us (in the UK VDS give amazing support every step of the way).
Even if you’re not dealing with an official complaint, if you’re a victim of a troll on social media there are legal implications and you should get all the support you can get and set an example.
5. Once you’ve dealt with it (and through this a lot of feelings will come up again – take your time to process as per step 1), see if there’s anything you can learn from it.
Often there’s a hint of truth in a complaint. Acknowledging that for yourself, accepting you’re human, and being willing to learn and improve for future cases, will make you grow in all areas.
And if you can accept you’re not perfect, and never will be because you’re human, it will take some of the fear off around getting another complaint.
6. Learn to be ok with people being wrong about you. Someone thinks you’re a money grabbing, heartless vet? THEIR problem, not yours.
YOU know who you are, and so do the people you care about and love. You can’t be liked by everyone. And you can’t control what others think about you.
Complaints truly don’t mean anything about you. So don’t let them drag you down – don’t let them taint this profession you love so much
How to never, ever get a complaint as a veterinarian:
Stay at home and watch Netflix .
The End.
Not an option? Ok, read on:
If you’re working as a veterinarian, you WILL get complaints at some point.
It DOES NOT MATTER
- how amazing you are
- how clever you are
- how many hours you spent trying to save a pet
- how well YOU thought it went.
And here’s why:
A complaint was never really about YOU AT ALL.
A complaint is about one thing and one thing only:
The owners perception of the events. It’s about them and their perspective and their education and their background and so many other factors that are out of our control. It really has nothing to do with us.
All these factors determine:
what feeling that creates in them
how they respond to that feeling.
I have made terrible mistakes and didn’t get a complaint
And I have gotten complaints about stuff that really didn’t have anything to do with me or what I did, and some were essentially right down lies
A dog at the clinic I work at CAUGHT FIRE in a surgery due to a malfunctioning cauterizer, and the lovely owner’s first question after making sure their pet was taken care off was:
“Is the vet ok???”
Never complained.
Let me repeat it:
A complaint actually doesn’t have anything to do with you and your work.
You cannot prevent people from complaining about you.
You cannot control their perception nor reaction.
You can INFLUENCE it – slightly- by being a kind, honest person that does the best they can with what resources they’ve got (and then YOU know you’ve given it your all)
And I know it hurts, and it can feel really personal.
In my next post I’ll give you my 6 essential tips to survive and thrive no matter the complaints and internet-trolls coming across your path.
“I won’t be held to ransom, there’s plenty of other vets out there that can do the job” – was something we were told over the phone the other night when a bulldog (of course!) breeder called enquiring about the price of a c-section.
(I’m sorry but I’m not going to hold back on my opinion of bulldogs as a breed nor about the people that breed them – scroll on if I hurt your feelings – which I can’t, because they’re your own responsibility :D)
Anyway, this post is not about bulldogs, but about handling rude clients and how it’s actually ok to just let them be rude, and exist in this world.
How do I know it’s ok? Because they exist, and arguing with that or trying to change them (good luck with that!!!), is literally like trying to mop the beach dry. Or, as Byron Katie says: “If you argue with reality, reality will always win.”
Why oh why does it get our hackles up so quickly when someone says something we perceive as highly insulting to us? I mean, I don’t care a flying monkey about bulldog breeders. I would never ask for their opinion about my hair style or if they like my husband. WHY does it touch our deepest nerves then, when they say something we don’t agree with?
We all have a manual for what we think is right and wrong.
In my manual, for example, I have statements such as:
- Breed dogs that can actually breathe normally
- Breed dogs that don’t need to be cut open to have their babies out
- Be respectful to other people
- Don’t insult medical personnel if you want their help
- Don’t argue surgical prices as if you were shopping for Mariachi hats.
- And a million more statements that I ASSUME other people have as well.
But, lo and behold, every person’s manual is different!!
Not a big surprise, really, when we consider we create our manuals over time, through all the experiences we accumulate since babies, from what we see in our families, friends, country, school, etc. And those experiences are different for all of us!
But we all think that everyone else has the same manual as us. That’s why it’s such a shock when people do or say something we perceive as WAY out of the manual. We want to convince them that they should have the same manual as us (the RIGHT one, obviously!). We also want them to like and accept OUR manual. It’s a deep instinct, back from the stone-age, when it was extremely important to belong in the tribe and share the same values, or we would literally die.
Nowadays, if a bulldog breeder doesn’t share my values, it doesn’t mean I’m going to die. But it can FEEL that way, because it’s such a shock to our system when people do not share our values at all, and go against everything in our manual. And it’s incredibly hard to let them be wrong about us. Stone-age brain REALLY wants to convince the other person that we are GOOD, and we want to be accepted, and have our manual accepted, because it feels like survival is at play here.
Knowing this, being aware that it’s just instinct kicking in getting my hackles up, my respiratory rate up, and starting a wild heart beat, can help in the moment. You don’t need to DO anything, just ride it out and accept not all people have got your manual on board. Then you can make rational decisions without the drama: “Do I really want to see these people?” “How can I make sure they actually pay before they kidnap the dog and puppies?” and “How can I calm down and perform as a surgeon so the mum and pups are as safe as possible?”
.
And then run and sign whatever it is we need to sign to stop this from happening, again and again x
Yesterday I wrote about how we struggle with uncomfortable conversations because we’re unwilling to feel our own, uncomfortable emotions.
Today I want to show you how a big part of this is also our inability to hold space for other people’s emotions.
When we have a grieving, angry or frustrated pet owner in front of us, it can be really tricky to handle. Sometimes we’re the source of their frustration (they think, anyway), and sometimes it’s out of anybody’s hand, such as a dreaded diagnosis.
As humans, we’re naturally empathetic, and in this career we have incredibly high empathy scores. This means we almost FEEL the other person’s feelings, and we don’t like it if it’s a negative feeling. Also, all movies, adverts and social media around us puts a lot of pressure on us to always be HAPPY, and it feels “wrong” if someone is anything but happy. And it feels natural to us to try to fix it.
There’s an underlying thread of thought along the lines of “They shouldn’t feel like this”, “I need to make them feel better”, or “I made them sad/angry/frustrated, so I have to fix them”.
There’s three points I want to make:
It’s NORMAL to have negative emotions 50% of the time, and we don’t WANT to feel happy when we just found out Fido has got osteosarcoma. It’s important to allow these feelings and process them all the way through. Allowing space for and validating your clients feelings is a way of helping them do that. For example by saying “I can see how upset you are. I understand, and I’m so sorry”.
We are NOT responsible for other people’s feelings. Their feelings come from the thoughts they are having, which are completely out of our control. No matter how much they blame you, it’s on them. You should of course be as kind and caring as possible, but don’t attribute their feelings to your being, and don’t feel responsible. You’re not God, and you shouldn’t try to control other people’s feelings.
Can YOU hold space for the feelings that come up in YOU when you see someone being sad or angry? Notice that your desire to get THEM to happy is so YOU don’t have to feel bad. Crazy when you think about it, right? It goes all the way back to kindergarten where we’re told to rush to someone’s aid when they’re crying, and the aim is to get them to stop. It’s so embedded in us that we feel incredibly uncomfortable when we can’t “fix” another person’s emotional state. Notice when you feel anxiety in these situations, wanting to 1) change them, 2) avoid them or 3) buffer by doing something else.
People are entitled to their feelings, and it’s THEIR work to get through them and feel them. It’s not on you. You worry about your own feelings, and learn to process them and be with them.
A coach I follow and admire, Rich Litvin says:
”Everything you want is on the other side of an uncomfortable conversation”
How true is that?? And how often do we fret, procrastinate and try to avoid these conversations?
Well, as a veterinarian, you’re going to have a LOT of these:
Telling the owners the prognosis is bad
Facing an owner complaining over price
Explaining a mistake has been made
Having to make a phone call with bad news
Asking the owner how they want to proceed with the remains of their dead pet
Recognise any of these conversations?
You probably recoil just thinking about having them, right?
You don’t have to be at work in order to have them:
Breaking up with your partner
Calling home to say you’ll be late – again
Confessing to your partner you’ve accumulated significative depth
Any conversation about something that’s not working in the relationship
Asking for a refund (if you’re like me – I’ve actually never been able to do it 
)
)But WHY, exactly, is it so hard for us to have uncomfortable conversations? Why are they even uncomfortable in the first place? I mean – something happens, and we relate it to another human. Piece of cake, right?
The only problem here is our anticipation of how we’re going to feel. We anticipate the reaction the other person is going to have (our brain going to all sorts of incredibly unhelpful scenarios), and imagine how we’re going to feel about it. That’s it. It’s literally because we’re afraid of the feeling we’re going to have, as a response to the other person’s reaction.
So if you’re going to tell a client that histopathology has come back osteosarcoma, you might anticipate their grief. Maybe you remember having said “I don’t think it’s anything bad, but…”, and now deeply regret those words, imagining the client blaming you. You anticipate the client asking for a cure, and know you can’t give them one, feeling helpless. You might be afraid of not knowing what to say. And if the patient is a well known pet, you might be handling your own grief on top of everything else.
But all the time you’re fretting and procrastinating in order to delay the conversation, you’re ALREADY feeling all those feelings, because your brain is going through all the possible scenarios as if you were living them! So you’re really just PROLONGING the time you’re going to feel these uncomfortable emotions
And, you’re arguing with reality: The prognosis exists already. You waiting to communicate it to someone else is not going to make it go away.
So how can we face these conversations head on and just get it done?
By being willing to feel these emotions, instead of taking them as a sign that something has gone terribly wrong and we need to run away.
Feeling regret, anxiety, guilt, shame, helpless and grief is part of the human experience, and you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t feel them.
Learn to lean into it, breathe into it, and even name it: Oh, I can feel a knot in my stomach, my breathing has quickened and I struggle to swallow – this is anxiety.
And bring it along to the conversation. You can’t make it go away beforehand by analysing everything that MAY be said in the conversation, trying to work through it and make it ok before you speak. Learn to have uncomfortable conversations, and your peace of mind is on the other side.
As veterinarians, we think the most important part of our work is to diagnose and treat the animals, but, truth is, if we can’t communicate appropriately with the caretakers of our patients, the rest doesn’t matter that much!
So the vet-pet owner relationship is CRUCIAL to our patients wellbeing, as much as to our own emotional well being.
Because if we can’t get a proper communication going, and get permission to diagnose and treat as needed, we’ll feel frustrated, misunderstood and that we failed our patient.
I want to open up a discussion about what our relationships with the two-legged part of our clients really mean, and how we can handle it the best way possible.
A common misconception people have about relationships, is that it’s a sort of real, palpable thing, a shared bubble you and the other person find yourselves in, and it can be “good” or “bad”.
In reality, our relationship with the other person is purely and only our thoughts about them.
And their relationship with us, is THEIR thoughts about US.
So if we want to change our relationship with clients, what’s in our power is our thoughts about them.
We cannot control our clients, we cannot control what they think about us or what they decide to make of what we say to them.
We can control:
– How we decide to perceive what they say to us
– How we want to show up, what example we want to set, who we want to be
– What we say to them, in what tone and with what body language
I think the first item is almost the most important, and it’s one we don’t even realise we have control over.
Someone says something to us, and our brain translates it whichever way it is used to.
If we’re feeling low, anxious and vulnerable, we’re likely to perceive words differently than if we’re feeling strong, calm and confident.
For example if a client says “You look a bit young to be a vet”, you can perceive this as them not thinking you’re qualified for the job, and spiral down a rabbit hole of resentment towards them, doubts about yourself, etc.
Or, you could take it as a compliment that your night cream is working!
It’s all a game of individual perception.
Most often, we have no idea why people say the things they do. We just ASSUME we know, and go with it.
Here’s my advice: If it’s completely up to you to decide how you want to perceive what someone says to you, why not choose the most constructive outcome?
If a client is being obviously rude or aggressive, I’m not saying laugh it off, obviously, but for sure don’t make it mean ANYTHING about you as a person or a vet. That is all about THEM and THEIR thoughts, which we cannot control.
And if there’s two ways you can interpret words a person says to you, always always choose the positive way. You have NOTHING to lose, and doing that alone can turn a situation around before it becomes a situation, and that goes for ANY relationship.
If you’re grounded, confident in your abilities and completely aware of your worth, nothing anyone says to you can really hurt your feelings. You may just think them odd to say such things – they obviously don’t know what they’re talking about!
On the other hand, if you’re struggling with your self-worth, battling with impostor syndrome and think you should know more than you do, you’re more likely to be defensive and on the look-out for critique.
I think many of us dream of a break. Ideally a desert island, with plenty of food, a simple life and no-one to bother us, right? But at one point I sometimes literally fantasised about a little coma, or something else not too painful or dangerous that would give me a hospital bed for, say, a couple of weeks, unable to do any work or take care of anyone or anything. I was just so exhausted! And I couldn’t think of a way to break the circle of unending work and taking care of the family I found myself in.
What I (and most of us) didn’t realise, and couldn’t see for myself, was that the exhaustion and burnout didn’t come as much from all the things I was doing, but actually from my brain constantly THINKING about all the stuff I had to do, hadn’t done or should have done better. It wasn’t until a coach pointed out to me what I was doing to myself, that I was able to break free from that circle, and decided to go back to working as a veterinarian and ENJOY it.
So, here are the main two takeaways that served me massively and made me want to work as a vet again. They may serve you to do the same WITHOUT having to go into a coma or crash a plane on a desert island first:
1) It doesn’t matter how busy you are in your life: what exhausts you is how you HANDLE and PERCEIVE the time you have. I can have a non-stop 14h night shift and come out energised (until I hit the pillow), or I can seem to do nothing a whole day, and be so frustrated it tires me out.
2) You don’t HAVE to do anything. Every day, you CHOOSE to do what you do. You CHOOSE to go to work, call that client, operate on that dog. You could CHOOSE to stay at home, watch Netflix and go on the dole. You might lose your house and get a divorce, and have hungry children, but it’s a CHOICE. Everytime you tell yourself you HAVE to do anything, it feels like a weight on your shoulders. Make sure you don’t keep telling yourself the “have” word.
If you’re feeling stuck right now, this month I’m offering 10 FREE single 45 min breakthrough sessions, where we’ll deal with a situation you’re struggling with right now, and I’ll teach you how you can work through it and apply to any other situation in your life:
This is a real fear every time I fly!!
I mean, I guess, in the hierarchy it’s doctor, nurse, dentist, and then … veterinarian?
Last flight a nurse DID get up to help but didn’t seem confident and kept looking up for more help for a passenger that had passed out. I just couldn’t NOT help, right?
She was struggling to find a pulse on this collapsed passenger, and I randomly said to her and the surrounding stewardesses “Don’t worry I’m used to cats!” 
Reasoning if I can find a pulse on a small collapsed cat, surely this large woman wouldn’t be a challenge.
Reasoning if I can find a pulse on a small collapsed cat, surely this large woman wouldn’t be a challenge.She was ok in the end, but the funny thing was that the human nurse kept asking her questions, while I was checking pulse, colour of gums and conjunctivas, pupils… Which startled the passenger a bit when she started coming around
I’m glad I can manage my mind and anxiety levels in unknown and unexpected events like these. I could feel my brain coming up with all sorts of worst case scenarios, and telling me NOT to get up and help, but I just let my brain yapper on and did what I thought I had to do in that moment. It also stopped me from spinning in what MIGHT have happened afterwards, I don’t even know what happened to the woman once we got off the plane. And I’m ok with that. I’m just happy knowing I did my best, within my limitations.
Ever happened to you??
It’s so frustrating working at a veterinary hospital when pet owners don’t understand they’ll actually have to pay for the services provided.
Recently there was a horrible case at a Veterinary Hospital in Maine, where an owner couldn’t/didn’t want to pay for a puppy’s treatment. She ended up giving it up for adoption to someone who could actually pay the bill, but the media distorted the story so the hospital staff came across as money grabbing horrible people that didn’t care about animals, ending up receiving death threats and having to have police officers patrolling around.
What happens when we come across people doing something we don’t agree with, and we feel emotional about it, is that our brains will straight away go to work finding evidence of where this has happened before, and confirm our belief. This is called confirmation bias, and it’s constantly playing a role in our brains, without us noticing.
So in this story, veterinary staff will remember other people that didn’t want to pay for their pets’ treatments, and tell each other about it.
Pet owners will start coming up with other stories they’ve heard where veterinarians seemingly only cared about the money, and focus on that.
When we hear about petrol prices going up, we’ll remember other times this has happened, and also talk about everything else that’s going up in price.
Our brains will inevitably focus on and hone in on what occupies our mind in each moment.
The problem is, we then generalise and forget all the other stuff.
Because there are so many pet owners that DO pay their bills and don’t question that it’s their responsibility.
Most pet owners have positive experiences at the vets.
Prices may be going up, but there are so many other things happening in the world than just THAT.
When we focus on the negative side of things and find evidence of more negative stuff, it makes us feel agitated and hopeless. Notice when your brain starts doing this, and QUESTION whether you want to keep going down that rabbithole and spend your time there. How is it making you feel? And how do you affront the rest of your day in that mindset?
Don’t let your primitive brain run the show – take control and decide.
If your brain keeps looping in the same negative thoughts, and you feel stuck and unable to move forward, but want to change and focus on the future and create the life YOU want, reach out if a free consult:
Wouldn’t it be nice not to stress over work?
Having the financial freedom to do what you want?
Feel confident and relaxed in your daily life?
Be healthy and strong?
But really and honestly – what are you doing to achieve these things?
The “Wouldn’t it be nice” or “I wish” or “I’ll try to” will take you absolutely nowhere.
In order to have the life we want, we want to have a clear vision of what we want, and decide we’re going to make it happen, like it’s as good as done.
Any other attitude towards change will end up keeping you in the same ol’, same ol’.
I really like imagining myself as an old woman, looking back at my life and not wanting any regrets.
It shakes me up, and makes me question my choices: Do I really want to spend forever waiting for the people around me to change so I can feel better? Do I really want to keep going to a job I don’t like – why am I even doing it?
The Future You is relying on you making choices and taking action now – wishy washy thoughts and talks about what WOULD be nice, without really believing it or doing anything about it will get you nowhere, and after what seems like no time, another year has gone and nothing has changed.
In order to make changes and work towards your dream life (why would you settle for less? We’ve only got one!), you want to create a clear picture of your future self. What is she like, what does she do, how does she think and talk? What would your future self tell you if she called you right now?
Once you have a clear image of what you want, DECIDE you’re going to make it happen.
FEEL it’s already done, and keep taking action from this person, your future self.
Don’t give in to self doubt, don’t look to the past as evidence you can’t do it, don’t compare yourself to others, just keep coming back to this idea of your future self.
Don’t let her down; she depends on you.
If you’d love to do this but can’t quite get there with it, reach out for a free consult. Together we’ll find your ideal future self, and find out how to bridge the gap between who you are now and who you want to be.
I recently heard a story about this very affluent person who seemed to be making life really difficult for himself. He was traveling, and decided he wanted his personal gym equipment shipped to the new work site, and then got really upset when the equipment arrived later than him, so he couldn’t keep up his routine.
I first thought he was a bit of a diva, but then I realised he must be stuck in his old mindset from before he became rich.
He could just as easily have ordered a whole new bespoke equipment to arrive well before him, and then for example donated it to charity once the job was done and he went home. That would have made him able to enjoy his personal gym from the get go, and then feel good about donating afterwards, without upsetting all his staff.
This is an example of both being stuck in our old ways of thinking, AND all or nothing thinking.
This stops us from being open to new possibilities, and we don’t allow ourselves to grow into our new situation. I see this a lot with people with a money scarcity mindset; even when they HAVE money they still hesitate spending it on making life easier for themselves.
Most of us have some beliefs and habits that stick from when we were kids; I for example got bullied a lot as a child, so I have to watch my tendency to slip into people pleasing and not trust I’m good enough. It makes sense that as children we adopt ways of thinking and acting that will make us actually survive into adulthood.
But once we grow up, it’s great work to be aware of WHY we do the things we do, and see if our actions serve us. It’s incredibly hard to let go of old beliefs and habits, and even more so if we’re not even aware of them!!
When we work so hard to make a decent life for ourselves, it’s a shame to not actually enjoy it because we’re so stuck in our “child brain”.
Earning millions and still stress over money is a reality for a lot of people, and so unnecessary!
And if you’re stuck in some old victim mindset,
and you have just accepted that for example you can’t have a normal relationship, or never have your own business, or whatever it is you believe about yourself, you should know that ANYTHING is possible for you. Your brain is not cast in stone, neuroplasticity is a reality (your neuropathways ability to adapt and change) and you are not your thoughts!!
First of all, though, you need to be aware of WHERE you’re blocking yourself, and what are the old beliefs your brain is holding onto for dear life. I want you to think about a few things you may be finding difficult in your life, and how you normally approach them (for example, how to get your personal gym equipment with you when working away in the story I started out with).
It could be how you stress out when having to make ends meet at the end of the month.
How you’re always sliiightly late for everything.
How you can’t get the kids to do what you want.
How you tend to say yes when you mean no.
Keep getting upset and spinning for days when a client is not happy.
What’s behind this? What are you believing about yourself, others, money, time, parenting…? QUESTION these beliefs, because they are ONLY your current way of thinking, NOT the truth cast in stone. And if your way of approaching things makes life more difficult for yourself (and others), you actually have the
option to change it.
Let me know where you are currently struggling!
And if you’d like help to identify where you can change your current way of thinking and acting, in order to make life easier (and more fun!!) reach out for a free consult.
Life is not supposed to be a grind.
How good are you at delivering bad news?
If you’re in any medical profession, you’ll probably have to do this often, and it doesn’t always get easier.
Last week I had to call an owner in the morning to say I had made the decision to put their dog to sleep overnight. The owners hadn’t had any of their phones switched on, and the dog was suffering at the hospital, so I really had no choice, but still, it was a tough one!
I have to prepare myself for calls like that, breathe and stop for a second. When the owners picked up, I explained what had happened, as gently as possible, and then waited for their reaction.
And right there, that is what we worry about when we have to tell someone something we assume they’ll take badly: how are they going to react?
It could be something much less dramatic, like telling our friend we can’t come to their wedding. Or tell a customer we don’t have something (important to them) in stock. Or tell our partner we scratched the car.
At the core of our worry having to deliver these news, what it really is about is: What do I make it mean about myself if people get upset or mad?
It is as if, being the messenger delivering these news, and sometimes being the responsible for what has happened, we are also responsible for the receiver’s feelings. And coming from that, what they might say to us, or do, that will in return make US feel bad. So we desperately rehearse what we’re going to say, and when (IF we tell them at all!), trying in vain to control how they may react.
As you might know by now, if you’ve followed me for a while, it is impossible to control other people’s feelings. THEIR feelings will come from whatever their thoughts are, and as much as you might know the person you’re about to deliver the bad news to, you can’t know for sure what they’re going to think about it.
If you’re calling a client you might not even have met before, you can imagine how impossible it is to control their reaction in any way or form.
So stressing out over it gives you zero reward.
What you WANT to do is check in with yourself and decide how you want to deliver the message in a way you can stand up for.
For me that means being honest, and if an apology is owed, deliver it at the same time.
And then STOP talking, and let the message sink in.
Don’t try to control what the person at the other end may think about you by coming up with all the why’s and blaming others.
Also decide ahead of time how you want to protect yourself if they blow up and get angry or upset at you.
Realise it really has less to do with you, than with the upsetting news they just had.
You can decide beforehand what you’ll do if they get abusive: “I’m sorry you feel that way, I can see/hear you’re really upset, I’m going to give you some time to process it and call you later”.
Decide what you want to think about yourself if you have messed up and they are likely to start blaming you. Are you ashamed because you failed at something? How can you feel that for a little while and know that it will go away, and that it’s normal to feel like that when we fail? (Not that I’ve ever scratched a car so I wouldn’t know how that feels, ahem!
)
)It’s easy to get reactive when the emotions are riding high, and wanting to lash back at the other person. It’s important though, to let them have their feelings and let them work through them, and not try to change that, because 1) you can’t, and 2) they might think you’re trying to gaslight them.
So, to sum it up, before a difficult phone call or coming home and deliver some bad news:
Take a breath and think about how you want to show up, for you
Don’t try to control how the other person is going to react.
Let them have their feelings, and realise it’s not about you, but the news you delivered
Decide beforehand how you want to react if they get abusive.
Decide beforehand what you’re going to think about yourself.
If you frequently freak out over situations like this, and you don’t know how to handle them, coaching might be a right fit for you. In coaching, you learn how to be more aware of how you’re thinking and feeling, so you can be proactive and not react like a rabbit in the headlights. You won’t let other people’s reactions affect you so much, because you’ll be so much better at setting inner boundaries, and accept people can be who they are, and what they say doesn’t mean anything about you as a person.
Don’t hesitate to reach out if you’d like a 60 min free consult where we can look at this for you, and decide how you can make some everlasting changes to the way you deal with other people.
It’s so nice to be an experienced veterinarian and know I can figure out how to deal with whatever comes through the door.
Incredibly, almost every week I get things in I haven’t dealt with before, you’d think I would have seen it all now, but no! BUT, my accumulated experience gives me the confidence I can deal with anything and if I haven’t dealt with it before, it’s highly likely I’ll figure it out.
But OMG I remember when it wasn’t like that at all! I literally used to be terrified I wouldn’t know what to do. I battled for neverending hours to spey a dog without having to ask for help. Placing an intravenous catheter seemed like sorcery and something I would never get the hang of. Dealing with upset owners was terrifying and would upset ME for days.
So now when I see less experienced vets dealing with the exact same things I’m so grateful I’m on the other side of it!
But how often do we stop to realise how far we’ve come?
We work so, so hard to get a degree, get a job, get good at the job and then juggle family – work balance. And we’re forever looking at what we’re not good at yet, and immediately get to work to better that as well.
If you never stop to CELEBRATE everything you’ve achieved so far, your brain will just filter it out and keep focusing on all the things you’re not good at and how you need to do so much more. It leaves us forever anxious and with a feeling of being behind – because there’s so much more to learn and do.
Truth is, we can never learn it all. We’ll never be 100% good at everything. There’ll be stuff we just don’t have time to do. There are things that other people will be better at than you.
Remember to stop for a second or two and look at what you’ve achieved so far. Write down everything you’ve created for yourself and what you’ve achieved. Train your brain to celebrate yourself. It will boost your confidence and slow down your participation in the rat race that is a road to nowhere.
Are you excited to get out of bed in the morning, or do you dread the day?
I used to be so exhausted upon waking up that I could hardly get myself to get up, because my day was so packed with stuff that I knew I wouldn’t get a break before I got back into bed – I just didn’t want to start the day as there was no stop to it.
Other times I would think about what I had to do that day, and get bored before I even started. Sometimes life seemed so predictable and the days almost repeated themselves – once I felt more confident at work and wasn’t terrified of doing any damage to my four legged patients out of lack of experience.
It’s quite amazing how we create these lives for ourselves, where we seem to not be in control and life just happens to us, and we’re like hamsters running in the wheel, secretly hoping for something drastic to happen so we can jump off, like a UFO landing in our garden, winning the lottery or inheriting an unknown uncle.
We’re full of excuses why life is just like that for us, like we don’t actually have a choice:
Of course I’m busy, I have to take the kids to all these activities so they can have more chances in life
I need to take these extra courses so I can become a better veterinarian
I have to stay in this job to pay the mortgage
I can’t earn more money, because I’m not as lucky as X,W,Z… My parents aren’t rich and I just don’t have the same opportunities as other people
My partner is useless at housework – I have to do it all by myself or it won’t get done properly
Etc etc…
Thing is, we think these things are facts, that we don’t actually have a choice, that that’s just how it is. When you’re stressed out or anxious or overwhelmed you cannot see past your own nose and get the bigger picture, a clear perspective.
If you’re not excited to get up in the morning, you want to take a step back and question what you’re doing. You don’t need to be happy and exhilarated about your life every day, but for sure it shouldn’t feel like groundhog day either!!
Want some help finding a perspective on your life and feel excited again about this amazing time you’ve been given on earth?
Reach out for a free consult and let’s find out!
I am having a real lecture on how to create safety within myself this week.
Most of us try really hard to be as perfect as possible, do everything as perfect as we can, hoping that it will be perfect enough that we’ll be safe in our caves and never called out for being wrong.
It’s what holds us back from writing that post, speaking up in public, starting a new activity, asking that sexy human out – we try to protect ourselves from rejection and what our primitive brain perceives as being as dangerous and painful as being stoned in public.
Remember that complaint against me from October? A cat died, and the owners claim I refused to see it so it’s my fault? Well, the Royal College has decided “it has identified an arguable case of serious professional misconduct in relation to some or all of the concerns raised” and are taking it one step further, despite my explaining I did not refuse to see this cat.
So, clearly, I either messed up, or other humans perceive I messed up, despite me trying to be as perfect as possible at all times.
My primitive brain is obviously making this mean a lot of things, but I think what I discovered has disturbed me the most about this is the feeling of not feeling safe. Because it is completely out of my control, nothing I say or do can change what’s happening at the College until they make a decision between 6 people that don’t know me at all.
So the most important and prior thing for me has been to create safety within myself and for myself, as no-one else can do this for me.
And it doesn’t matter who you are or what you do: if you poke your head out of your cave, someone might not like you, or misunderstand you, or you might mess up and be blamed for it, or a lot of other things that are OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.
Realising that no matter what you do, we can’t control other people’s thoughts and ideas about us, can free you to stop trying to be perfect. It frees you up to just do your best, AND try new stuff out you KNOW you’re not good at (yet), because either way, people will think whatever they want about you.
So you want to create safety for yourself and not depend on others to tell you that you’re good enough, professional enough, worthy enough, pretty enough, slim enough, funny enough, or whatever it is that is important to you and hurts you when people say you’re NOT.
How do you create safety within yourself?
You need to learn to have your own back, and know that you’re not going to beat yourself up if something goes wrong, or someone doesn’t agree with you.
THIS, my friend, is a superpower, especially if you’re a high achieving perfectionist woman.
You need to learn to rely on yourself as your one and only most important person to support you. Other people are free to think about you what they want, and it doesn’t MEAN ANYTHING about you.
Maybe the perfume you’re wearing reminds them of a horrible first grade teacher.
Maybe they have a thing against veterinarians because they once had a traumatic experience with their pet.
Maybe they are incredibly insecure and finding faults in others makes them feel better.
You just don’t know, and you can’t control it.
The only thing you CAN control, are the thoughts that pop into your head about yourself (spoiler alert: you can DECIDE if you want to keep them).
You can learn to take a breath, put a hand on your heart and repeat to yourself “I am safe. I am safe. I am safe”, when your primitive brain overrides any logical thinking and panics because it makes other people’s words mean we have been thrown out of the cave and out of the tribe and we’re going to die.
When you think about it, it’s actually rude to try to control other people’s brains and force them to think thoughts about us WE want them to have. I’m sure you wouldn’t want anyone trying to control YOUR brain, right? So let us all take a breath, let people think what they want to think, and just make sure we have our own backs, and let our nervous system know we’re safe. No-one is going to stone us (where I live, anyway).
So do your best, and don’t try to control the world in order to feel safe. You have the ability to create that safety within you, and you can’t control the world anyway.
I’m just one step ahead of you in this journey, and if you want me to reach a hand out and show you how, come to a consult with me. If you’re a perfectionist with the feeling of never getting it quite right enough. If you’re afraid of asking for a promotion, or change jobs, or try something new because the fear of getting it wrong is holding you back, then I can help you. Let’s have a conversation about it, and see where you’re holding yourself back, and what you can do about it:
I used to have so much anxiety I went to the ER twice for heart palpitations that turned out to be nothing. In order to pass my motorbike test I took beta blockers to slow my heart rate down as otherwise I felt like I was going to pass out from anxiety. That made me think I should probably start doing something about it. Up until then, my thought was “I’m anxious because I have so much to do, and I don’t really feel in control of anything. ONCE I get everything done, and can feel more in control (including other people), THEN I’ll feel better…”
Ever felt that way? If you are a veterinarian you’re very likely often feeling something like that!
Through meditation I learned to control my breathing enough that the heart palpitations disappeared, but I still felt like I was always behind and not in control of anything.
My brain was constantly coming up with more and more things I should do (I didn’t actually know we have around 60.000 thoughts a day, one more random than the other) in order to get my life in order. Thoughts around everything I do, did and will ever do wrong.
So as to get away from all these thoughts that made me more and more anxious, I overworked constantly. If I wasn’t working, I couldn’t sit still, I had to be watching a film, reading a book, or having a drink or two in order to be able to have a normal conversation without my brain shouting at me for not being actively doing something. Often I would be eating something at the same time as driving or watching a movie, just to keep my mind completely occupied.
It wasn’t until I found coaching, that I realised I actually had a choice around my thoughts, that they weren’t the holy grail of truth, and I could decide which to keep and which not.
It took a lot of resistance to see this. The coach would challenge my beliefs and I would get defensive because OF COURSE I have to do all these things that I think I have to do – don’t I? Unravelling my thoughts and beliefs, and creating awareness of which ones were causing my anxiety was such an eye opener.
I still feel anxious a lot of the time, but now I either decide to just sit with it (alright anxiety, come along, not a problem), or I write my thoughts down to see what’s causing it.
Being able to handle my anxiety means I no longer have to run away from my thoughts, so I can have a normal conversation, sit and do nothing, sleep at night, not over-drink/eat/work, appreciate what’s around me, and, in general, slow down and live my life fully.
If you feel anxiety on a regular basis, tell me what you’re doing to avoid feeling it, and get away from the incessant thoughts.
Are you overworking when you really don’t need to? You might be justifying it, but be honest with yourself. How is this affecting your family life?
Are you gaining weight, or can’t get it off because eating makes you feel calmer and in control in the moment?
Are you drinking every night to calm down and de-stress? How do you feel the next morning?
The problem with trying to avoid anxiety is that we often create bigger problems with ourselves, because of the ways we try to buffer our way out of it.
If you want to learn how to manage your mind and be able to enjoy your life at a whole new level, reach out for a free consult. Let’s have a conversation about how you’re dealing with life right now, and what you would like it to look like. Most likely you’re not even aware of jow much better it can be!!!!
I’m telling you, the freedom and expansion I’m feeling having control over my life, over my thoughts, over my time – it does not compare to anything else.
If you’re a veterinarian chances are you’re incredibly compassionate with your patients and (sometimes) their owners. Apart from the owners that want you to cut the dog’s nails while you’re operating for a GDV anyway – we don’t have much compassion for them 
But, I want you to take a moment.
Just take it.
And think about where compassion shows up for yourself.
When you’re running behind schedule – again.
When you can’t seem to diagnose that patient.
When you’ve messed up.
When you said the wrong thing.
When you didn’t come up with anything clever to say at the right moment – again.
When you get anxious about going into surgery.
When you overbooked and now regret it.
When you’re late for dinner again and you feel you’ve let your family down.
When you feel stupid asking questions.
When you freeze during a stressful situation.
When you let the client shout at you and don’t know what to say.
Do you remember to have compassion for yourself?
For being human?
What does it look like to have compassion for ourselves?
How do you handle difficult situations – afterwards? Do you blame and judge yourself?
It doesn’t come naturally to us to have compassion for ourselves.
But it can create so much space, and permission to just be you.
It helps with the fear of failing, because you know that at least YOU won’t beat yourself up over it.
We’re always our own hardest critic.
Learn to give yourself some slack
Create a habit of practising as much compassion for yourself as you have for your patients.
Reach out to me if you’re tired of beating yourself up and obsessed with having to be perfect. Let’s talk about what it may look like having compassion for yourself and how it would make you feel. How you would show up at work and for the ones you love, without the constant hammering yourself over EVERYTHING you don’t do perfect.
I don’t know if you know this, but Danish people are supposed to be some of the happiest people on earth. In an interview, a Dane got asked why he thought that was. He shrugged and said – “Low expectations”. It made me laugh out loud, but I think there’s a lot of truth in that!
I had a lot of expectations around what it would be to be a veterinarian, mostly based on books like Black Beauty, Black Stallion and Lassie, and Christmas movies where the village vet saves the day. I also had a lot of expectations of what it would be like to be married (based on Pride and Prejudice, and Bridget Jones), and having kids (based on documentaries on hippies travelling the world with their toddlers on push bikes).
Now, looking back, I can see that it is quite obvious why these expectations weren’t met, and why I may have struggled a bit in all 3 areas…
The problem with expectations is that when they are not met, we try to twist the reality into being this expectation we have.
For example, if you expect your partner to talk about their feelings, and they don’t, you may try to force conversations they are not willing to have and get more and more resentful and finding evidence they are not the “right one”.
If your expectation is that your kids shouldn’t argue with each other, and by the way, they should love broccoli, you may try to change them and it’ll feel like trying to move Mount Everest.
If your expectation of the veterinary life is that clients should always be grateful, happy to pay and never complain about you (because you’re amazing, of course!), you are bound to be disappointed, and you’ll feel frustrated that you can’t change people. You might spend a lot of time complaining to coworkers about how annoying some clients are, and when you go home, you may have long inner conversations where you analyse what you SHOULD have said to the client in the moment.
If you have a specific idea stuck in your brain about how people and, basically, the universe should be, you’re likely to be disappointed. When reality doesn’t adapt to our view of things, we also often think that something has gone terribly wrong.
If you truly believe you should get everything right, and be able to correctly diagnose everything that comes through the door, when it DOESN’T go that way our brains will assume everything has gone wrong and we’re a disaster, and go over and over all the things we did wrong and should have done differently…
The only expectations you can really be in control of, are how YOU are going to show up and react to the world. Watch how much time you spend on arguing with reality and how things should be different, in lieu of taking control over YOUR end of the stick.
Partner doesn’t want to talk about feelings? I can still talk about mine, and learn to look out for WHEN he shows his feelings through actions.
Kids fight and don’t like broccoli? Can I keep calm and not shout even harder than them? Can I eat broccoli myself, and keep coming up with new and inventive ways to get them to try it?
Clients being unreasonable and refusing to understand me and my point of view? Can I have compassion for people that are stressed out and afraid? Can I keep MY calm and not let anything they say mean anything about ME?
My cases not working out the ways I want them to? How can I evaluate and learn without beating myself up?
Life is not Lassie nor Bridget Jones (most of the times)
But we can be in control of how we perceive and react to the world around us, and manage our own expectations.
And, truly, the more I learn to do that, I sometimes feel like Bridget Jones right when she hears the words “I like you, just as you are” (If you know, you know).
Have a great weekend!
p.s: Want some support managing your expectations and get better at controlling how you manage your mind around life? Book your free consult here and let’s talk about what’s going on for you:
p.p.s: Want some insight into how you can learn to manage your mind and get some awesome tips on how to reverse impostor syndrome and lack of confidence in the clinic? Watch my FREE masterclass with instant access here:
https://gunilalifecoach.ck.page/fb74b71f34
One of my friends just lost their dog, and asked me if I thought their vet had acted correctly.
It’s a fair question, and one I know for sure a lot of clients ask themselves when their pets die.
Clients act in many different ways when they experience loss, and it can be hard for us as the vets to be on the receiving end of suspicion, blame, questioning, regret, guilt, anger, or pure grief.
I want you to understand, it is NEVER about YOU.
It’s not a YOU problem, it’s a THEM problem.
No matter what they say or do, in reality you were never their problem (unless of course you are a terrible vet and person that really doesn’t give a shit about animals, in which case this is not for you).
In order to handle difficult situations with clients when they lose a pet that was in your care, you need to understand 2 things:
As much as a client can threaten you, put in a complaint against you and make life harder for you for a while, if you can separate the facts from the emotions that come up and not feel attacked PERSONALLY, you’ll deal with it so much better and not let it take over your life and time off work
Most people do not know how to handle grief, and many will try to cover it up with another, easier to handle emotion that hurts less, such as anger or resentment.
Losing a pet can be incredibly difficult for clients, and sometimes the pet’s death is unfair and horrible (like the 3 year old cat that was shot on my last shift, who dragged herself home with a septic abdomen). Nobody shows us how to handle these things emotionally (let’s learn about the mitochondria and trigonometry in school instead, much more useful), so when our pets die, we think we’ll feel better if we can find the why, and somehow reverse the injustice we think has happened.
Realising this has helped me immensely to not take it personally when clients complain, either about me or other vets, because I get it and understand where they’re coming from.
Sometimes the client will feel guilty because deep down they think they should have done more, but taking this blame is also too painful for them, and again, it’s easier to blame the veterinary staff than face that pain.
It can seem unfair that we should face a shit show because some other adult person doesn’t know how to handle their emotions (I call it being in emotional childhood), but understanding that they literally DON’T KNOW any other way can help US having compassion for them and realise it’s a THEM problem, not a ME problem, do you see what I mean?
Of course if we are facing threats or complaints, we need to deal with them in an appropriate manner. But taking all the inner drama out of it will help us not get dragged into THEIR drama, which would make us feel stressed and upset about it 24/7 until the issue is resolved.
When I say take out our inner drama, I mean all the spinning in our heads over what we did and said, what we should have done or said instead, what the client should have done or said instead, how the client should be different, why is this happening to me, etc. All these thoughts boil down to one thing: Arguing with reality.
Whatever happened, happened. And the clients are as they are. None of this can be changed by us having long inner arguments over it.
Taking a step back and gaining an outer perspective when a client questions our worth or actions, will help you deal much better, and help you stay in emotional adulthood. Learn to let the clients be who they are, and don’t try to change how they feel or act, because that’s a THEM problem. You deal with your end, and don’t go down the road of self blame and guilt, it doesn’t help anyone, and won’t make the client feel any better.
Hope this helps you next time you have a client giving you a hard time!
P.S. Want some support in this? Book your free consult here and let’s find out how I can help you:
A couple of weeks ago I was doing routine surgeries and did a cryptorchid cat (for those of you not in the know, he had one testicle retained in the abdomen) for the first time in a loong time! He had had an ultrasound so we knew the testicle WAS in there, and I found it really quickly and whipped it out without any complications.
And I remembered my first cryptorchid dog, whenI first started operating aeons ago, which took me HOURS to do and I wasn’t sure at some point whether the dog actually HAD two testicles (how I learned always to get an ultrasound done first!), and almost broke down over this thing.
Looking at the cat I was just finishing, I then caught myself thinking I had been really lucky to find the testicle so fast this time.
Eeehmm .. NO!
It wasn’t luck!
It was the hours and hours I have spent doing all sorts of surgeries, the first year fighting the battle of finding the ovaries in bitches and queens, getting better every day at sensing, feeling and identifying what’s where in an abdomen and what SHOULDN’T be there.
Going into ex-laps in compromised animals with the pressure of having to find and sort out the problem as quickly as possible in order to bring the patient around and stabilise, knowing that my speed is directly proportional with the likelihood of the owner seeing their pet again.
But my clever impostor-primed brain was so quick to dismiss all that hard work, stress and experience as “luck”.
DAMN NO!
I am so good at catching this now, and bringing myself back to celebrating how far I’ve come since those first days, and how proud I am of myself for being willing to go through so much, and be willing to be so BAD at it in the beginning, that now I can find and whip out an intra abdominal testicle in a cat in minutes.
And not forgetting the ripple effect of becoming a better surgeon every day: Helping not only the animals from suffering, but also thousands of humans who love their pets and suffer along with them.
DO NOT underestimate your work, your worth, and how far you’ve come since the first time you grabbed a scalpel, slightly scratched the skin of the patient and asked your mentor: “Am I in the abdomen yet?”
That’s why I’m so passionate about my Free masterclass how to Overcome Impostor Syndrome, because it’s NECESSARY and ESSENTIAL that veterinarians start realising their worth and STOP focusing on all the stuff they don’t “do right”.
I’ve been there myself, and am going to teach you how you can reverse this syndrome, and step into your true identity as a bad-ass veterinary surgeon.
Watch it now, it is absolutely free and will change the way you think about yourself forever:
I know this great nurse who loves crafting.
She absolutely adores sitting there creating, going to the shops for little things she uses for her creations, and coming up with ideas for what to make.
I saw a couple of the things she did, and thought they were really good, and I told her so!
She confessed one day she’d love to make a living doing just that and selling her stuff on Etsy. So I asked her why she hadn’t started doing just that? I mean, it takes a little while to build a business like that, so the sooner she starts, the sooner she can fulfil her dream, right?
But no, she was convinced she couldn’t do that, she wasn’t good enough, no-one would buy, she doesn’t know how to set it up, it would never work…
Can you see the infamous impostor syndrome showing up again?
When we want to do something new and different, our thoughts almost fall over each other in order to stop us from making a fool of ourselves. In reality, it’s just our primitive brain that hasn’t evolved that much (well, not at all, really), that’s trying to keep us safe.
Imagine the Flintstones era. You tell your fellow humans you’re going to leave the cave and venture into the unknown, and try something you’ve never tried before and you have no idea if it’s going to work. And by the way, there may be sabre tigers out there, and a snow storm, and no food. And your tribe might reject you and cast you out because you’re being weird.
Your brain’s job is to protect you from dying. So it makes sense it would send you all kind of thoughts to stop you from doing any of this, right?
Coming back to the nurse and those thoughts she presented to me as reasons she can’t build her own little cute online craft shop.
They are just her brains translating to modern times, because of course there is no sabre tiger or snow storm out there, and she won’t be kicked out of society. BUT HER PRIMITIVE BRAIN DOESN’T KNOW THAT. It’s literally just doing it’s job at protecting her at the best of it’s abilities.
I want you to think about something you’ve wanted to do, and didn’t, because you didn’t dare, or it seemed impossible or irresponsible.
How do you think your brain was trying to protect you?
Ever wanted to change jobs? Ask you your crush out? Try out a new procedure? Get up and speak in front of others? Challenge your manager on something you don’t agree with? Notice what thoughts come up next time you want to do something new and “scary”.
Challenge them and ask yourself if they are really true, expose your primitive brain and calm it down.
Don’t let your Flinstone brain keep you from your dreams.
Life is too short
If you’d like help so you can overcome the limitations your brain is using to keep you “safe”, and go and live the life you dream of, book your free consult and let’s talk:
We are travelling at the moment and of course all the normal routines and habits are all interrupted.This interruption really, really activates my primitive brain! There are more decisions to make on a daily basis, and as I try to decide with my prefrontal cortex what will be best to do in the long run, my primitive brain is of course pulling towards instant gratification.
I want to share an example of this because what often happens is that we have all these really good intentions, and to our surprise and annoyance we end up not doing half of the things we had decided to do. And then we beat ourselves up for lack of willpower and organisation.
So I have a non-negotiable yoga routine, which is that every day I’m not doing Muay Thai or some other extreme exercise, I want to do yoga to make sure I move. I did my yoga in the morning before we travelled. THEN when I got up next morning, I knew we were visiting relatives in the evening and that I wouldn’t get the opportunity to do yoga there. So I decided my yoga had to be done in the morning, right after waking up.
Here’s the story my primitive brain came up with: “Wait, why do you want to do yoga today? You probably won’t get a chance tomorrow, so you might as well leave it, your everyday yoga is not going to happen on this vacation.”
And I was like “Oh, sure, you’re right, what’s the point… WAIT, WHAT?!?!”
Did you see what my brain did there? It jumped to all-or-nothing thinking, meaning that, well, if we can’t do it EVERY DAY, which was my plan, we might as well leave it all together. And this is a trap we fall in so often in everything we do. If we eat one biscuit we might as well eat the whole package. If we didn’t go to the gym on Monday we might as well leave it this week and start over next week..
I have great awareness now, because I’ve trained my prefrontal cortex to look out for these patterns. I know my primitive brain will always default to saving energy and seeking pleasure at any opportunity, and I get to decide what’s best for me and my body long term. So I did my yoga. And still keeping it up!
Train your brain today: Where do you see this pattern in yourself?
It’s insane sometimes how we eat something because we LIKE and ENJOY it, and then we spend the whole time during and after it beating ourselves up for eating it!If we’re going to eat pizza, burger or cake because we LOVE eating it, what’s the point in destroying the experience with guilt and self-blame?You’re right - there IS no point!This weekend I had two vegan burgers, a veggie pizza and 3 different Danish cakes I love.I did NOT feel guilty! HOW?I DECIDED beforehand that I was going to eat lots of delicious food on my holiday in my home country Denmark. There is food there I cannot get anywhere else, especially being plant-based and so I wanted to go all in and really enjoy myself.I also decided I liked my reason for eating stuff I normally don’t eat. I had a talk with my husband that for sure we’re not going to eat like this when we have longer stays in Denmark - but a short holiday is ok.YOU DECIDE the rules for what you want to eat when. If you’re going to eat “crap” food, make sure you decide BEFOREHAND, NOT in the moment when you might regret later.Look at the reason you’re going to eat the pizza/burger/donut and see if it’s a reason you like. The stress from always doubting yourself and feeling guilty will literally make you put weight on due to the raised levels of cortisol - so managing your mind is super important.
It’s insane sometimes how we eat something because we LIKE and ENJOY it, and then we spend the whole time during and after it beating ourselves up for eating it!
If we’re going to eat pizza, burger or cake because we LOVE eating it, what’s the point in destroying the experience with guilt and self-blame?
You’re right - there IS no point!
This weekend I had two vegan burgers, a veggie pizza and 3 different Danish cakes I love.
I did NOT feel guilty! HOW?
I DECIDED beforehand that I was going to eat lots of delicious food on my holiday in my home country Denmark. There is food there I cannot get anywhere else, especially being plant-based and so I wanted to go all in and really enjoy myself.
I also decided I liked my reason for eating stuff I normally don’t eat. I had a talk with my husband that for sure we’re not going to eat like this when we have longer stays in Denmark - but a short holiday is ok.
YOU DECIDE the rules for what you want to eat when. If you’re going to eat “crap” food, make sure you decide BEFOREHAND, NOT in the moment when you might regret later.
Learn more about managing your mind around weight loss here HERE
“What if I just didn’t stop?”
I want you to ask yourself this out loud:“What if I just didn’t stop?”
What if you stopped listening to the excuses your brain comes up with, and NEVER STOPPED moving towards your weight loss goal?!?!
What would your life look like in 6 months if you kept picking yourself up and kept going even after a trillion fails?
Today I coached a woman on why she ended up eating two bowls of popcorn, a chocolate pretzel and an oatcake AFTER dinner on Saturday. The two main thoughts that tripped her up were:1) If I eat more at night, I’ll have more energy for training in the morning2) It’s still the weekend, so it’s ok, it doesn’t count.She actually felt MORE tired the next day at training, PLUS feeling sluggish and guilty for eating stuff she didn’t plan to eat.And the calories don’t know the difference between midweek and weekend!What happened was that her primitive brain was hungry for that dopamine hit that comes when we eat foods high in calories, and it sneaked a couple of thought errors in.-Solution: Create awareness through coaching, so you know what excuses your brain is coming up with, and KEEP GOING.Yes, she over-ate Saturday night, and was beating herself up over it. BUT that didn’t mean she gave up and threw in the towel! She learned from the experience, and didn’t make it mean she had to give up or that she’ll never lose the weight.
So, what if you just kept doing that for 6 months? Learning, moving on, getting coached on what your brain throws at you, and practising feeling what your body really needs.How would you look and feel after 6 months?If you feel like giving up because it seems like your brain and body are actively working AGAINST you and your plans of losing weight - DON’T!!It is TOTALLY possible for you to lose weight - no matter how difficult and impossible it seems right now!-What to do next?WATCH my free video on the 3 fundamentals of weight loss and APPLY what you learn straight away with the free workbook I’ll send you.
“What if I just didn’t stop?”
I want you to ask yourself this out loud:
“What if I just didn’t stop?”
What if you stopped listening to the excuses your brain comes up with, and NEVER STOPPED moving towards your weight loss goal?!?!
What would your life look like in 6 months if you kept picking yourself up and kept going even after a trillion fails?
Today I coached a woman on why she ended up eating two bowls of popcorn, a chocolate pretzel and an oatcake AFTER dinner on Saturday. The two main thoughts that tripped her up were:
1) If I eat more at night, I’ll have more energy for training in the morning
2) It’s still the weekend, so it’s ok, it doesn’t count.
She actually felt MORE tired the next day at training, PLUS feeling sluggish and guilty for eating stuff she didn’t plan to eat.
And the calories don’t know the difference between midweek and weekend!
What happened was that her primitive brain was hungry for that dopamine hit that comes when we eat foods high in calories, and it sneaked a couple of thought errors in.
-Solution: Create awareness through coaching, so you know what excuses your brain is coming up with, and KEEP GOING.
Yes, she over-ate Saturday night, and was beating herself up over it. BUT that didn’t mean she gave up and threw in the towel! She learned from the experience, and didn’t make it mean she had to give up or that she’ll never lose the weight.
So, what if you just kept doing that for 6 months? Learning, moving on, getting coached on what your brain throws at you, and practising feeling what your body really needs.
How would you look and feel after 6 months?
If you feel like giving up because it seems like your brain and body are actively working AGAINST you and your plans of losing weight - DON’T!!
It is TOTALLY possible for you to lose weight - no matter how difficult and impossible it seems right now!
-What to do next?
How did you get the body and the life you’ve got now?
By doing the things you have been doing, and are still doing. That’s it.
If you want to CHANGE your life, your body, your health, you can’t keep doing what you’re doing. It makes sense, right?
Let’s pull this apart.
What makes us do what we do? Why do we eat like we do?
Often, it’s just habits. Maybe we thought a bit about it, maybe just did what everyone else around us did, and then it kind of worked; we’re still alive, right? So we kept doing it, without questioning it again.
Sometimes we think that this is just the way it is, and it feels like we don’t have a choice in the matter.
If we want to change, we need to get our thinking cap on, and make some conscious changes. We need to start deciding what we want to keep doing, and what might not be working, and make changes.
What a lot of us think, is that we now need to find the magic pill/diet/food that will change everything for us. We believe that the answer lies somewhere outside of us, when in reality, we have all the power within ourselves to change our way of doing things.
Sure, you can lose weight for a while by going on a diet or taking some supplement someone recommends, but at some point you’re going to default back to what you’ve always been doing. It’s just how our brains work, we’ll always drift towards our comfort zone, what we know, whether it gives us the results we want or not.
So the way to the body and the weight you want, is to start thinking about what you’re doing, and what you want to change. And here is where it’s so important to be aware of our thinking. Because our brain is desperately going to try to keep us in our comfort zone, and will send you all sorts of thought errors to make you back away from change.
I help women lose weight in 6 months in a sustainable way so you never have to diet again, guaranteed.
Reach out for a FREE consult and find out how I can help YOU 
If I eat this croissant, have I fucked everything up?
This is an example of all-or-nothing-thinking. It can also look like:
I ate 2 biscuits, so now I may as well finish the WHOLE box
I didn’t diagnose this cat in time, therefore I’m a terrible vet and unable to help ANY animals, EVER. I should go and work in ASDA.
I didn’t go to the gym as planned yesterday, I’m a loser and I’ll start over and go EVERY day next week. In the meantime I won’t move.
I will sort my garage out ONLY when I have time enough to do it ALL in one go and leave it finished (Two days? A week? Never?).
If I don’t know how to do something perfectly, I might as well not do it at all.
That date didn’t go well. I don’t know how to behave on dates, and will never find anyone.
Can you recognise any of this in yourself?
Where do you think you may have done this? In which situations does it come up most for you?
WHAT are the consequences of this type of thinking?
1) It makes it very difficult to reach our goals, as we give up every time we don’t follow the plan 100%
2) It’s harder to learn new things, as we’re terrified of not doing it 100% right the first time
3) We beat ourselves up over it with a lot of should (I shouldn’t have eaten the biscuits, I should know how to diagnose this by now,…) Which makes us feel terrible and eats away at our self confidence.
4) Having only 2 hard choices when we have to make a decision, makes it harder to think of new ways to move forward, and keeps us in confusion longer.
We do this because our brains want to categorise everything. It saves energy if everything can be put into boxes. Even if it doesn’t serve us, the brain doesn’t care. Our brain’s only mission is to keep us alive, and saving energy is very high on the list.
Awareness is the key to overcoming this.
When you notice the feeling of despair, write your thoughts down and see if you’ve gone into all-or-nothing-thinking.
My main meal when working nights – kind of crazy Buddha bowl and oat milk with spices in it.
Eating healthy is not hard, even when working away AND doing nights.
I know all about what’s good for my body, but the main thing when losing weight or maintaining my ideal weight, is being aware of my thoughts.
When you’re tired, far away from home, in a strange place, and it’s cold and dark outside… My primitive brain is super clever at coming up with
“But we desssssserve to eat what we want (clue Gollums voice here)”
“This is a specially hard time”
“You’ve been eating so healthy – let your hair down”
“We’ll eat better once we’re home”
But I know my “Gollum”brain now 
And I know that eating pizzas, burgers, fries and cakes just because I’m working away, will not make me happy. It will actually make me feel MORE tired and sluggish. And I don’t even really fancy junk food!
And I know that eating pizzas, burgers, fries and cakes just because I’m working away, will not make me happy. It will actually make me feel MORE tired and sluggish. And I don’t even really fancy junk food!Today I had a burger and apple crumble at Whetherspoon (sorry, was to busy eating to take pictures ).
).But I had decided AHEAD of time to eat junk today. I was not the “Gollum”brain taking over. And that’s the BIG difference.
It may not seem like it, but if you’re struggling to lose weight, the main battle is the one with our primitive brain. THAT’S the reason you keep losing, and end up eating stuff you didn’t really mean to. And then beat yourself up over it. Again and again.
Losing weight is actually very simple. Once you gain awareness of your thoughts and feelings, and learn to decide, consciously, what you want to do to and with your body, there’s no looking back.
I may have maxed out the car stereo today to Dr. Albans Sing Hallelujah – twice! And may have driven a little faster around the bends than I normally do on the Spanish mountain roads 
When was the last time you remember not being “mum” , “practice manager”, “hard working student”, “ dedicated nurse”….? When was the last time you were just YOU, being a little crazy, enjoying the moment without trying to be productive or getting things done 
? When was the last time you felt sufficient, nay, ABUNDANT, in time, energy, fun?
? When was the last time you felt sufficient, nay, ABUNDANT, in time, energy, fun? If you’re running around the hamster wheel, thinking that in order to feel fulfilled and deserving of a break you need to do more, be more, work more – if you’re reading this please take this opportunity to be AWARE, and STOP for a moment. Is this what you dreamt of when you were a little kid? Do you remember the freedom you craved, becoming an adult so FINALLY you could create the life YOU wanted and do as you pleased? Well, did you? Are you doing exact what you want, every day? If not, why?
Can you want what you have right now, and find sufficiency in this moment? If you can, it makes it so much easier to get to the next level. Hustling and grasping for happiness will always leave you hustling and graspy, no matter how much you achieve. You can totally create the life you want, but you need to be able to want what you have now, first.
Yesterday we saw the yearly air show from the terrace of our friends’ house. As you can imagine, when the Eurofighter shows off, the noise is unbearable for many four legged friends, so one of the dogs had had acepromazine beforehand, so he wouldn’t be scared. You can see him contemplating the sky, worrying about the noise. On the other hand, the little puppy was lying fast asleep, not caring about the noise at all, and having no need for tranquilizers.
I’m sharing this to point out how different we all react to the same situations. Sure, these are two dogs, but the feelings they experience such as fear and worry, or calm, are not so different from ours.
When I coach, clients are often stuck in their story, thinking there’s only one way to see it, and that the emotions they are feeling are inevitable. But, what differentiates us from the animals is that we have the CAPACITY to change our story, to interpret circumstances one way or another, to change our perspective. We do this by first creating awareness of what we’re thinking, and then deciding if this path of thoughts is taking us where we want to be, both mentally and physically.
So I want to offer to you, that you have a choice. You can literally change your brains way of perceiving things, and how it decides to go forward. It’s done through practice, just like training your biceps or any other muscle.
So if you want to live your BEST life, decide today: what story do you want to tell? How do you describe your life? Do you love it? Could you improve? Why are you not taking action? Do you want to shy away from growth or dive in, willing to feel all the emotions and practicing new thoughts?
It’s fascinating how we get influenced by the people trying to sell to us! Here in Malaga airport they create a sense of urgency just before you get on the flight, as if you NEVER will be able to shop again in your whole life
But, on a day to day basis we actually let our brains create this sense of urgency and scarcity without noticing it, making us feel anxious, overwhelmed and “something has gone or will go wrong”.
When we talk about burn out, it is in reality our brains hammering us with thoughts like “You NEED to phone this owner back right now”, “there is NO WAY you’ll be able to handle all these appointments”, “The clients think you’re not capable of doing this”, “What if you’re WRONG in your diagnostic?!?”. And it creates this sense of urgency and scarcity, as if no-one ever has misdiagnosed anything ever before, as if all the pet owners should love you or you’re not good enough, or if you’re running behind on appointments something has gone terribly wrong.
It is a very black and white way of thinking, and what happens when we’re in this fight and flight mode there are no nuances, AND our brains will be at 100 per hour figuring out what ELSE is wrong and doomed right now, not seeing all that you’re doing just fine, and not remembering all the clients that DO adore you as the savior of their pet.
If the people that try to sell to us can figure this out and make us grab that last glass of olives before our flight, wouldn’t it be a great idea if YOU could figure your own brain out, and teach it to think in abundance instead of scarcity, calm instead of urgency, things are going just fine instead of everything is wrong. It’s totally possible; just as we can make our brain think Manchego cheese is essential as a souvenir, we can choose the thoughts that serve us, and not the ones that perpetuate burn out. .
How can two people be in the exact same situation, look the same from the outside, but on the inside one of them feels so stressed out, overwhelmed and useless that they sometimes consider leaving this world because it is just TOO HARD???
If you’ve ever been that person, you know what I mean. And you look at the people surrounding you, because THEY seem to have it all together, right?
Most of us have been in a black place at some point, and most of us get out of it and move on with our lives, feeling sort of ok. WHEN we’re feeling low, and we look at the other people around us, we tend to make up 2 kinds of stories in our heads:
1) Everybody else have got it together, they are confident and happy and manage their lives so well (compared to me)
2) Their circumstances are different; therefore, it comes easier to them.
I want to tell you that both these stories are just that: stories.
First, we have NO IDEA about what goes on in other people’s heads. They may look happy and confident on the outside, but on the inside, they may just as well be an even bigger mess than you consider yourself to be. There’s just no way of knowing what others think, why they do the things they do, how they are feeling and what they think of YOU. So, in comparing yourself to others, you’re just comparing with what YOU THINK is the truth – and most often it’s not.
Second, it is NEVER the circumstances that determine whether a person is happy and content. You may look at a colleague, and think that they are more confident because they have more experience, are older, have been in that position longer, studied harder than you did, have done more courses, had richer parents, and in general, are just … MORE THAN you. And the fact is, the confidence and contentment does NOT come from what surrounds us, or from what we’ve done for how long in life.
Everything we feel come from the way we think.
You think you’re an awesome mum? You’ll feel awesome, and keep finding evidence that it’s true.
You think you’re an asset to your workplace? You won’t doubt yourself and compare yourself to others.
On the other hand, if you’re believing you’re not clever enough, not experienced enough, didn’t study hard enough, not enough outgoing, not good enough with people, just YOU’RE NOT ENOUGH – then no matter of experience, positive feedback, extra courses or change of jobs will make you feel enough, ever.
If you keep working harder, changing jobs and relationships, studying more, and keep thinking you have to change in order to feel enough, you’ll never get there. Changing the circumstances will never change how you feel, or maybe for a short time, but then you’ll be back in your old way of thinking. You need to find the thoughts that make you feel inferior and not enough. That’s all. REALLY! Which is really good news, because it means that you don’t need to work so hard in order to earn millions, or change yourself dramatically, in order to feel great. It’s just getting the knack of catching the thoughts, be aware of them, see if they serve you or not, and then change them if necessary.
Me enjoying a beer with a CAT PAW on
it!!
I was coaching a weight loss client yesterday, and we were talking about how, when being on different diets, she is perfectly able to lose 30-40 kg. But when she stops dieting, she slowly gets used to snacking again. So as soon as there’s no external control telling her exactly what to eat, she will eat whenever she’s stressed, or bored, or anxious, or because she’s had a long day…. And the numbers on the scale will creep up again, making her feel frustrated and defeated.
And what do we do when we feel frustrated or defeated?
We try to get away from the feelings by eating, watching Netflix, overworking, drinking and so on.
This is called buffering, and we buffer because we are unwilling to feel the negative feelings we are bound to feel 50% of the time. In weight loss, it is really visible, because you buffer with food, gain wait, feel terrible, then buffer more, and your waist line increases.
But when the buffering is more subtle, for example when we overwork, the net negative result is not so obvious.
We miss out on family time, and time for ourselves, but we make the excuse that we NEED to work so much.
We feel stressed all the time, because the feelings are still there, and don’t get any better because we’re trying to push them away, but we brush it away with “I’m obviously stressed because I’m so busy”. When, ironically, we’re creating the business in order to avoid our feelings. Do you follow?
When we are unable to sit with the feelings of boredom, grief or frustration, we’re constantly on the move to avoid the feelings.
Eating is only one way of doing it. Notice what YOU might be doing that is keeping you busy. Netflix? Work? Drinking? Facebooking? Porn? Scrolling dating sites?
So, if you find yourself chronically busy, eating when you didn’t intend to, drinking that little more than you had planned, or suddenly notice you’ve been on Facebook for over 2 hours when you were just going to check out ONE cat video (I mean, who can resist!?!?!!?), and feeling an underlying current of not being quite …. right … You are probably buffering. And instead of feeling the feelings, you’re still having them, plus a net negative result that may be obvious (overeating) or not so obvious.
I think when I was at my worst being stressed out as a vet, was when I had the emergency phone with me, and was ON DUTY 24/7. It is literally not the best thing for your mental health, not knowing if somebody is going to call you any moment with some disaster that has befallen their pet.
Therefore, I decided when I took over the clinic by myself, to not do emergencies at all, and refer anything that could not wait until the next day, to a hospital where vets and nurses are on shifts, ready and willing to see injured and sick pets at any time. SO different from trying to juggle dinner with family with owners calling in distress because they’ve (possibly) seen a tick on their dog at 18h on a Sunday …
.
.Anyways, what I only just recently realised was a long-term consequence of being “on” all the time, was that I always had that underlying feeling of shame if I was having a good time. Because, any family bliss, romantic dinners (or any other romantic stuff), laughing at the movie theatre, relaxing with a face mask, applying henna in my hair ( yes, I got called out!), long heart felt conversations with girlfriends and so on, could be interrupted ANY time by a pet owner in distress. I would then struggle to shift my emotional state, and feel bad for having a good time when someone else was suffering. This would especially manifest if I was also responsible for hospitalised animals.
And so, in order to not go on a huge LOW after a huge HIGH, I was always holding that little bit back, that for a long time afterwards left me really struggling when everyone else was letting their hair down and having a great time. Because I felt SOMEONE had to stay sober and be the responsible adult – just in case. I would have to get considerably drunk ( when I DIDN”T have the said phone) in order to let go of the need to be in control.
Years after getting rid of the emergency phone, I would still tense up if I heard a ring tone similar to the one of THE phone, and only through all the thought work I have done in coaching, have I realised how much I was not allowing myself to REALLY feel happy/excited/etc.
This may be happening to you if you are or have been a vet, nurse, doctor, or even if you have or have had a responsibility for someone who is suffering or sick. There are 3 things you should know that will help you live life fully again:
1) Awareness. Learn to be aware of what you’re thinking and feeling. If you start feeling a knot in your stomach, chest or throat when you’re “supposed to” be having a great time, learn to identify the feeling, and find the thinking causing it. If you tend to have to get drunk or drugged up, cheat on your partner, constantly be on the move, in order to be able to fully get relaxed or really excited about something, you want to find out what’s going on inside your brain.
2) If you’re still in the game, you’ll want to learn to set clear boundaries for yourself, and make decisions ahead of time. This will free you from any “I should really be doing…” and feelings of inadequacy and shame. For example, when I am in charge of the emergency phone, I will not go to the movies, or I will let my family know clearly what expectations they can have. These are individual decisions; we all struggle with different issues and you want to identify what works for YOU.
3) You cannot anticipate disappointment, grief, frustration, shame. Expecting negative feelings will not make them less hard to feel. What this constant vigilance WILL do, is to rob you of the feelings that really make life worth living, such as full-on excitement, happiness, anticipation, being in love, joy. Life is 50-50, and if you know that you’ll probably feel less than great half the time, you can give in and at least enjoy the “great’ 50 part 100%, when it’s available to you.
Don’t wait for when:
I leave this job
I no longer have to take care of x,y,z
The holidays
Calm picture of the sun going down from the bedroom in our holiday flat.
It does NOT reflect the state of my mind that day, I’m not gonna lie
I was driving back after visiting friends and family, and noticed a chocolate croissant 
that had been forgotten, in the pocket of the passenger door. And my brain went into the most insane spin of indecision:
that had been forgotten, in the pocket of the passenger door. And my brain went into the most insane spin of indecision:“You should eat it; you hate food waste!”
” Yes, but you want to avoid getting fat, AND you ate its mate this morning (moment of respectful silence)”
“Yes, but you can’t throw it out”
“Ok, but I don’t even feel like eating it”
And so on and on.
Then I started wondering about my work out routine on this holiday:
“You could go for a run like the other morning.”
“Or rest your sore knee, and do yoga instead”
“Yes, but what time would I have to get up?”
“What if it’s raining?”
I tell you people, I was EXHAUSTED by the time I got home. Spinning in indecision is like running a mental marathon 😵💫!
So, I’m not normally like this, since I started my coaching journey. I can normally recognise what’s happening and make a decision and just STOP the mind chatter.
But what had happened earlier was that someone I love and care for had told me they felt I had let them down.
I won’t go into details, but the conversation had left me reflecting on how I interact with the people I love, and how I can show up in a way that lets them know I’m always there for them. And I thought I was ok, and could analyse the situation calmly and not feel stressed out about it.
OBVIOUSLY, my lizard brain was not agreeing. Deep down, something had gone terribly wrong, and I would lose everybody and get kicked out of the tribe and get eaten by a tiger etc etc etc.
THAT’S why I went into overdrive over a chocolate croissant and yoga, because MY BRAIN WENT INTO FIGHT AND FLIGHT MODE AND I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW IT
!
!When I got home, I sat down and did a thought download to find out what the HELL was happening, and that’s when I saw the whole picture. THEN I could model it out, and calm down, and realise nothing had gone wrong (and I passed the croissant unto somebody else)
My friends, this happens all the time to us overthinkers. And when we’re not aware of it, we can spin FOREVER over stuff that’s really not that important.
If you feel like your head can’t stop spinning, and there’s too much stuff going on, please write it down. Get a perspective, so you can breathe, and then eat the croissant or not, but with no drama
This is me 12 years ago, and I’ve always disliked this photo (my husband saw me posting and exclaimed “Are you SURE you want to publish THAT picture??!!”
Hey ho, a friend shared it on Facebook all those years ago, so anyone who really wanted to see it could do so already 
So, I’ve always struggled with belly fat. I literally get questioned several times during every summer if it’s a boy or a girl . And I’ve tried all sorts of tricks and potions to get rid of it (watermelon, cold water, keto, paleo, sit ups, cucumber..)
. And I’ve tried all sorts of tricks and potions to get rid of it (watermelon, cold water, keto, paleo, sit ups, cucumber..)Thing is, most people tell me they are envious because I’m so tall, with long legs, so what have i got to complain about? And, truthfully, when I stand up straight, I don’t look that pregnant.
But through coaching and talking with a lot of people, I’ve realised that it doesn’t matter how perfect we are in so many ways. We will ALWAYS focus on what we DON’T like about our bodies (especially women).
I’m now at the point where I know what works for weight loss, and I’ll have to decide how much bust and buttocks I’m happy to loose before the fat on my belly starts to move . I’m now more interested in being strong and flexible, hence the Muay Thai and Cross Fit training, and I really appreciate all the things my body is capable of doing (being able to lift a 40kg Labrador unto the operation table comes in really handy at the clinic!
).
. I’m now more interested in being strong and flexible, hence the Muay Thai and Cross Fit training, and I really appreciate all the things my body is capable of doing (being able to lift a 40kg Labrador unto the operation table comes in really handy at the clinic!).Coaching has helped me see that there’s absolutely no point in disliking any part of our bodies, there’s NO upside to it. If you’re trying to lose weight, hating parts of your body will only make it harder.
In coaching I show you how your way of thinking is keeping you stuck and fixated on that body you DON’T want, instead of learning to appreciate what you’ve got and moving on from there. Don’t think that getting thinner is going to be the answer to anything, you will NOT feel better all the time. If you want to feel great in your clothes, feel attractive so you can have fun with your partner again, feel self-confident when you walk into a room, and generally not compare yourself to all the other seemingly belly-free people, you NEED to start with your mindset.
This is Pus judging me for stuffing my face at the burger place in our village yesterday 
Pus judges me, but a lot of you don’t need a cat for judgement, you’re already brilliant at doing that yourself.
Here are some of the thoughts that come up again and again in weight loss clients:
“I totally messed up today”
“I have the worst addiction to food”
“I should’ve shown more progress by now”
” I can’t get my eating right”
” I’m mad that I no longer have the motivation”
“I’m so overwhelmed on where to start”
“There’s so much to start with that I feel like I’ll never get to my goal”
“Today I failed miserably
Not nice thoughts, right?
What’s the upside of beating ourselves up so much and doubting ourselves?
I’ll tell you.
NONE!!!!
There’s absolutely NO NEED.
The ONLY way to lose weight, keep it off and learn to love your body is by managing your mind.
Diets, exercise, intermittent fasting, taking pills, drinking 2l water a day, keto, paleo you name it.
NOTHING works if you don’t manage your mind, because that’s where the problem is from the beginning.
Punishing yourself, spinning in indecision on where to start, comparing to others, failing and regretting it, none of it brings you anywhere.
The reason we overeat or binge eat is because we are trying to avoid uncomfortable feelings we can’t control.
So you might as well face them head on, be uncomfortable now, and come out on the other side a different human, than being A LITTLE BIT uncomfortable every day of your life in the yo-yo of dieting.
Thing is, once you learn how to manage your mind, you have changed forever.
No matter what happens, you’ll be able to handle it.
Sure, you’ll still fail, feel terrible and get bored. But you won’t add the pain of making it mean you’re a failure, and try to avoid with a band aid by binge eating.
That’s what life coaching is about.
If you’ve tried 100 times and it didn’t work, get help.
Not only will you lose the weight, but you will become a different person.
The version 2.0 of you.
At the Life Coach School we get specific training on weight loss as this was our master coach Brooke Castillos first specialty as she went through weight loss herself.
It doesn’t have to be this hard, it really doesn’t.
And it’s totally possible.
If this resonates with you then don’t hesitate to reach to me for a free consult.
We’ll see where you are in life, where you want to be, and how it can be done.
Give yourself the chance to stop the self-blaming and self-judging, and be open to the possibility of change 
Did I ever tell the story about how I passed my bike test?
It took me a YEAR!!
I failed the practical test so many times I can’t even count them
All the time I thought I was failing because I wasn’t good enough at riding the bloody thing
I got super nervous every time, and literally would almost fall of my bike when trying to ride around the cones and what nots. My heart would race and feel like it was on its way out of my mouth, my breathing was superficial and fast, I was sweating and shaking, NOT FUN.
I had no problem, however, riding around on my husband’s giant heavy bikes on dirt roads around the Spanish landscape. I just thought I needed to practise a bit more, and then I wouldn’t get so nervous.
Until it finally occurred to me I probably should do something about my nerves instead (Had I only had a life coach then, would have saved me a LOT of fails and money and disappointment).
).So, the day I passed I meditated, took a beta-blocker (I know, not really smart, but I’m a vet so I think I know what I’m doing) to slow down my heart rate, rode the bike around a bit on the test site before the exam to prove to myself I could actually do it, didn’t speak to any of the other anxious candidates, and did breathwork just before I was called up.
) to slow down my heart rate, rode the bike around a bit on the test site before the exam to prove to myself I could actually do it, didn’t speak to any of the other anxious candidates, and did breathwork just before I was called up.THEN I finally passed!
I’m telling you this in case you’re spinning your wheels and not getting anywhere in some area of your life.
If your brain and feelings are not aligned with whatever you’re trying to do, then it doesn’t matter how much you practice, spend time learning, research how to do it, talk to other people about it, half-heartedly try it. It will be extremely hard and you’re more than likely to give up because it feels so uphill all the time.
Check your thoughts out – what’s going on for you? And how do those thoughts make you feel?
Unpeel your limiting beliefs like peeling an onion, first of all by being aware of them.
In my case, I deep down didn’t totally believe I could pass the test. I looked at all the other riders that seemed so much better than me and that made me feel defeated even before starting the test.
What’s holding you back? Where are you pulling the hand brake without realising it?
“You’ve put one kg on, I’d say. Your stomach definitely looks bigger”
Does every woman want to hear like NEVER!!!! (Unless she’s pregnant)
)That was what I had to hear from my Muay Thai coach today. Unsolicited.
Obviously she was wrong, I was just wearing tight clothes – right? 
It made me think about how we react when others tell us how they think we look, or what they think about our weight. Because basically people are free to say anything to us, and we can take it or leave it.
If it’s something that has NO foundation (if for example someone said to me I’m too short), we don’t take it on board at all, we happily dismiss it as not having any relation to us.
BUT, if it’s something we secretly are kind of worried about already (for example, if we’re trying to lose weight and someone says they think we’ve GAINED weight), then it’s a whole other story.
Our brain goes into Tesla mode as in from 0 – 100 miles an hour in SECONDS, it starts spinning and we’re analyzing what they said, we’re judging ourselves, judging them for judging us, beating ourselves up, comparing to others, and generally not feeling great.
Notice however, that it all depends on how you receive it. Nobody can really hurt your feelings, it is your THOUGHTS about it that will hurt you and spoil your day.
Pay close attention to your brain if you suddenly feel in a bad mood after a comment someone made about you.
What did you make it mean?
Was the comment really about you, or about them and THEIR mess?
Why is their opinion important to you?
I decided to think that my gym clothes were making me look … more voluminous today.
Why would I choose to think anything else?
Now I’ll go and have my strawberries with coconut cream – and enjoy them!
What are some comments people say to you that stop you from having a great day?
DON’T GIVE UP!
You may be trying to lose weight, and the number on the scale isn’t moving… yet
You may be trying to create a business and clients are just not there… yet
You may be trying to find love in your life – and it just doesn’t seem to come your way … yet
You may be trying to learn a new language and you’re frustrated because you just can’t see yourself talking it …. yet.
So you’re making all this effort and you just can’t SEE the results yet.
Whatever you’re doing and trying to accomplish, I want to share this image I always have in my head since I watched the movie The Secret:
This is you. You planted a seed and you’re watering it. It may be JUST ABOUT to break through the surface. You cannot see what’s going on underground. You just need to trust that all the effort you’re putting into it will work. Imagine if you gave up literally a MILIMETER before your breakthrough. You would just never know!
As a coach, I hold space for your dreams and 100% believe in you – until you can.
Just as I do for myself.
I believe in you. I really do.
Go get dream, and don’t look back.
It’s just about to break through.
What are you doing that you can’t see the result of – yet?
It’s funny how we all want to get to our goals as fast as possible
Especially in weight loss, we think that our goal is just to become as skinny as possible as quickly as possible, and if there was a magic pill that would just remove the fat overnight we would pay anything for it.
However, I’ve discovered in coaching that that’s not how life works!
Have you ever heard about a lottery winner that won a huge amount of money and lost it all just as quickly?
That’s because you need to BECOME the PERSON you want to be, not just GET THERE!
If you’ve not become a person that can earn and manage money, getting it out of nowhere is not going to teach you, and your brain will try to get you back to status quo as quickly as possible, to keep you safe.
The same with weight. If you go on a strict diet and lose weight, but don’t learn how to BECOME and BE that skinny person on the journey, you will invariably put it all on again, guaranteed.
As painful as it can be to properly examine our thoughts and feelings, undertaking the journey to a proper life tranformation will make the change FOREVER. As opposed to winning the lottery or going on a quick diet which is like applying a band-aid.
They all fall off after a few washes 
Do you have a manual for your dog? And for other dog owners?
Have you got a clear idea in your head about how othes should or shouldn’t educate/walk/train their dogs?
This came up in a coaching session where the client was getting stressed out when walking her dogs, as she felt they didn’t pay as much attention to her when her partner was not with her. On that particular day, she came across a neighbour walking a fairly new puppy. The puppy was very excited and on a extendable lead. My client had a lot of thoughts about how the neighbour should have tackled the situation, and inside her could feel agitation building. Obviously her dogs noticed this, and got over-excited as well, making the walk a bit more complicated for my client. She also had a clear idea about how dogs should behave in certain situtations and got frustrated when they didn’t live up to her expectations.
Other people doing things differently than we would do them can be a cause of frustration for us. But ONLY if we have fixed ideas about how things should be done, and get ourselves worked up over it. In this case, my client had a lot of “shoulds” in her head:
“He shouldn’t have a puppy on an extendable lead”
“He should keep his distance”
“He should respect that I’m alone walking two big dogs”
But she was argueing with reality. Because this man wasn’t doing any of the things she thought he should. Adult people can do what they want, and us getting stressed about them not living up to our expectations ONLY HURT OURSELVES!!.
Was my client right? Maybe. But that doesn’t change the situation.
Do you want to be right, or do you want to be happy?
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t protest if you think you’re being treated unfairly, or try to talk people out of dangerous behavior. But taking this behavior personally and have a lot of mind drama around it, will only affect you, not them.
Be aware when you notice your thoughts starting with should or shouldn’t. This chain of thoughts will most likely take you down a spiral of frustration and resentment, and the other person is probably going by his life happily unaware of you inner turmoil 
This is me in front of the Hospital in Velez Malaga, I just got vaccinated against COVID19! 
Today the town hall rounded veterinary surgeons and teachers up to get us vaccinated as essential workers.
I was talking to one of the other vets, who had heard all sorts of rumors about the vaccine, its secondary effects etc (we got the AstraZeneca vaccine).
She had decided, like me, to not devour all the info and cases, but just went to get the vaccine and see what happens. We agreed that we couldn’t keep waiting for “everybody else to get vaccinated” so we could assess better what the long term effects may be, because at the end of the day we are also “everybody else”, and we need some data in order to move forward. 
Anyway, I realise there are many points of view surrounding the COVID vaccinations, what I want to highlight is the decision process I used to get it done:
1) I got some information about the vaccine but realised I could never get enough qualified information to make a 100% informed decision.
2) I sat down with myself and thought about the pro’s and cons with the information I already had, taking into account my own health, my community and the evolution of the pandemic.
3) I decided I would get vaccinated
4) Once the decision was made, I didn’t think anymore about it. When the hospital rang to say there was an appointment available for me an hour later, I didn’t hesitate or second guess myself, as the decision was made and I honour my decisions
5) When people started warning me about all the horrible side effects I was going to have, I didn’t listen as there was no point, will deal with whatever happens, if it happens (if I don’t appear on my live tomorrow you’ll know why ).
).6) Whatever happens, I know I’ll have my own back, as I made a decision with the information I had in that moment. I may get sick from the vaccine, but I may also get sick of COVID if I don’t get vaccinated, so it’s impossible to make a “perfect” decision.
My point is, when you have to make a decision about something, get as much information as you can in a short period of time, make the decision and move forward. Don’t beat yourself up if later new information comes out, or start second guessing yourself whether you should have chosen the other way. There is no right or wron decisions, there is just a decision to move forward, and that is the right one. Honour your decision, trust yourself and you’ll save soooo much energy on useless mind drama (Go to the party or not? Buy this car or that car? Leave my job or not?)
You can stay in indecision forever and it will get you NOWHERE.
.Have you ever been so busy and stressed out that you actually dreamt of getting into an accident (a small one, no long lasting damage), so you would have to be confined to a hospital bed for a few weeks?
I have, and I remember talking to someone else about it at the time, we were fantasizing between a little accident, a misterious virus (HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!), kidnapping or even alien abduction 
– just to have a little respite from our crazy busy life.
– just to have a little respite from our crazy busy life.It sounds absolutely insane, I know!! But at the time, I was so caught up in my own stress and anxiety that it seemed the only solution to get out of the maelstroem of things to do, one after the other.
Now I can see that it was a life I had CHOSEN, that nobody was holding a gun to my head to do all those things, that everything I felt I HAD to do was a creation in my own little world inside my head.
I wanted to be the best mum, do everything and more at the clinic I was working at, be in shape, not let friends down, keep a clean house, and so on. In my head, I didn’t want others to judge me and it was super important to me not to show weakness. I would never ask for help, and I would happily take any extra emergencies coming my way, in order to be a good colleague to the other vets. I would take the kids to each and every birthday, and make cake from scratch for their own birthdays (that nobody would then eat because they had already stuffed their little faces with sweets and crisps). I would stay longer after work and then nearly kill myself and others in order to pick my girls up from school on time (and more than once had the principal calling me to ask if I was coming for them
).
). I would stay longer after work and then nearly kill myself and others in order to pick my girls up from school on time (and more than once had the principal calling me to ask if I was coming for them).The added stress of being a new vet trying not to kill any animal coming my way, and dealing with an unwilling vet nurse at the same time almost did me in.
The thing is, I was doing all this to myself. Now I coach parents that are almost collapsing from the weight of doing everything themselves, and many of them are enormously resentful towards their older kids and partners because they HAVE to do everything themselves.
No, you don’t.
You have expectations towards how things have to be done and how people have to behave and how others should see you. And then you collapse under the load you put on yourself.
Please be aware of your thoughts before you start dreaming of a little green man abducting you!
What if you stopped thinking “I just have to get through this, and then in X time I can enjoy life and relax”?
What if you decided that here and now IS YOUR LIFE – THIS IS IT!! And make decisions to support you in living the life you dream of – you may not get a second chance 
.
.The grass is not greener on the other side. If you can’t be happy now and have moments where you can relax and take a moment to enjoy life, you may not ever be able to.
I’m saying this because I needed a HUGE mindshift in order to relax and enjoy my life even when I’m busy.
I actually don’t say the words “I’m busy” anymore, because busy is a choice. I do a lot of things I choose to do, some I fully enjoy and others not so much, but I’m fully aware of all of it being MY decision, and making sure I like the reason for everything I do.
If you feel trapped, and stuck in a crazy life you can’t remember choosing, and you can’t see a way out, life coaching may be for you. An outer perspective from someone who doesn’t know you can be the one most important thing you do for yourself 
I’ve always scoffed at people insisting “you have to love yourself first, otherwise how can you expect anyone else to love you?”
Well OBVIOUSLY my knight on his white horse 
will see me for who I REALLY am, and love me so much that I can THEN see I’m worth loving and THEN I’ll love myself 
… Also goes without saying, he will know what I need and want more than I know it myself, I just need to find the RIGHT man!
will see me for who I REALLY am, and love me so much that I can THEN see I’m worth loving and THEN I’ll love myself … Also goes without saying, he will know what I need and want more than I know it myself, I just need to find the RIGHT man!So if my beloved husband doesn’t understand me, if he doesn’t appreciate everything I do for him and shows me he loves me like I need to – then obviously he’s not the right one for me. Right? If we can just find the RIGHT person, our relationship will be a blast!
I used to get soooo miserable when I thought my partner didn’t do right by me. I would get caught up in thought loops finding evidence from all the times he had not done what I expected of him, I would literally have long conversations in my head to and from debating what he had done wrong, how I maybe shouldn’t have said this, what he had meant when he said that, and so on.
Until I started life coaching, I had no idea of how much more power we have when we assume responsibility for our own feelings.
When we place our happiness in the hands of others, we have no power over it!
And literally we can decide what to think about ANYTHING, and hence feel one way or another.
The thing is, us getting upset about what the other person does or doesn’t do or say, is not going to make them change. And if we force them to, they are going to feel resentment.
So if you’re angry or upset with your partner, ask yourself if the thought that’s causing that feeling is really serving you?
Could you just let go of that thought and decide to let your partner be as he/she is? And love him/her anyway?
In order to be happy with anyone, you need to not blame them for how you feel, as this places you as a victim and completely disempowers yourself.
If one person is struggling to manage their emotions, it’s not really reasonable to expect the other person to be able to do so for them. Meet your own needs first, and then meet in the middle to enjoy your time together.
So don’t go chasing for the next “right” person for you – find yourself first and take charge of how you feel. You might just find yourself all over in love again and again everyday with the one you already chose once- because you decide it is so.
