But what if they're upset?!?! 🥲
Yesterday I wrote about how we struggle with uncomfortable conversations because we’re unwilling to feel our own, uncomfortable emotions.
Today I want to show you how a big part of this is also our inability to hold space for other people’s emotions.
When we have a grieving, angry or frustrated pet owner in front of us, it can be really tricky to handle. Sometimes we’re the source of their frustration (they think, anyway), and sometimes it’s out of anybody’s hand, such as a dreaded diagnosis.
As humans, we’re naturally empathetic, and in this career we have incredibly high empathy scores. This means we almost FEEL the other person's feelings, and we don’t like it if it’s a negative feeling. Also, all movies, adverts and social media around us puts a lot of pressure on us to always be HAPPY, and it feels “wrong” if someone is anything but happy. And it feels natural to us to try to fix it.
There’s an underlying thread of thought along the lines of “They shouldn’t feel like this”, “I need to make them feel better”, or “I made them sad/angry/frustrated, so I have to fix them”.
There’s three points I want to make:
1. It’s NORMAL to have negative emotions 50% of the time, and we don’t WANT to feel happy when we just found out Fido has got osteosarcoma. It’s important to allow these feelings and process them all the way through. Allowing space for and validating your clients feelings is a way of helping them do that. For example by saying “I can see how upset you are. I understand, and I’m so sorry”.
2. We are NOT responsible for other people’s feelings. Their feelings come from the thoughts they are having, which are completely out of our control. No matter how much they blame you, it’s on them. You should of course be as kind and caring as possible, but don’t attribute their feelings to your being, and don’t feel responsible. You’re not God, and you shouldn't try to control other people’s feelings.
3. Can YOU hold space for the feelings that come up in YOU when you see someone being sad or angry? Notice that your desire to get THEM to happy is so YOU don’t have to feel bad. Crazy when you think about it, right? It goes all the way back to kindergarten where we’re told to rush to someone’s aid when they’re crying, and the aim is to get them to stop. It’s so embedded in us that we feel incredibly uncomfortable when we can’t “fix” another person’s emotional state. Notice when you feel anxiety in these situations, wanting to 1) change them, 2) avoid them or 3) buffer by doing something else.
People are entitled to their feelings, and it’s THEIR work to get through them and feel them. It’s not on you. You worry about your own feelings, and learn to process them and be with them.
In your corner,
